


A Heart is a Heavy Burden

by ProPinkist



Category: Tales of Xillia
Genre: Angst, Family, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I have finally arrived with ALVIN ANGST, I love Xillia but I don't give it enough attention, aka the best Tales character to go to if you want angst, and there's not enough stuff with Alvin and his found family helping him and worrying about him gdi, if I need to tag that...?, implied suicidal thoughts, like my god, so now I finally am, sorry not sorry for the pain :'), um
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-04-25 15:11:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14381289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProPinkist/pseuds/ProPinkist
Summary: While searching for Maxwell, after the confrontation in Hamil, Jude and his remaining companions search for Alvin, in order to make things right, heal a long-broken and wounded soul, and regain their friend that had always been yearning for them, as they had him.





	A Heart is a Heavy Burden

**Author's Note:**

> This came about thanks to introducing a friend to Xillia, and after a lot of talk and discussion, hopefully I'll have some ideas for the game now (the first one only, for now. I have a love-hate relationship with X2, to put it lightly lol). Alvin is by far my favorite and the most interesting and well-written and absolutely goddamn heartbreaking character in the game, and I wish!!! the party!!! supported him more!!! Yes he does terrible shit, but they give practically nothing in return and it makes me kind of mad and sad. :') (I'm mad that the game doesn't make him properly apologize though, too; both sides of it I'm frustrated with to be clear lol) So here's a lot of angst where things from Hamil-on go a little differently, aka the party gets their shit together and Alvin makes up better and gets a lot of comfort and support and everyone is happier in the end. <3 < / 3 I'm worried it might feel kind of rushed, but it was getting so long that I couldn't possibly drag it out any more lol. Enjoy~

As Jude followed the others out of Fennmont, the pit in his stomach only grew.

It had been there ever since Hamil, itching, bothering him in the back of his subconsciousness. Of course, to say that there was a lot on his mind was an understatement, but somehow, strangely enough, he felt fairly calm in regards to Milla. When he really thought about it, Jude fully believed that it would completely hit him later, but as for right now, pulled out of his dead state by Leia, bless her patience, he felt surprisingly content. Perhaps he still hadn’t fully grasped the truth that she was gone for good; perhaps he believed her to still be living, somewhere, deep down. The most he did know, however, was that he had to see Milla’s mission through for her, or at the very least, avenge her by confronting those who had used her. That, he knew, is what kept him going right now.

But there was something else bothering Jude instead. Something worse, something that probably _shouldn’t_ have been bothering him, at least not in the way that it did, after everything that had happened a mere week ago.

He glanced at Leia’s back as they walked, his chest tightening with fear and anger once more. But even so, that confounding, frustrating guilt remained.

It wasn’t going to go away.

“H-Hey… guys.”

Immediately, everyone turned around to face him, stopping in their tracks. Rowen let out a quiet “hm?”, Elize tilted her head in curiosity, and Leia gazed at him with an expression he couldn’t fully identify. It made Jude nervous, being treated like the leader; that was Milla’s role, and she was no longer here to fill it. It didn’t feel right.

Squeezing his hands together, wringing them, Jude took a deep breath, frowning.

“I… I’ve been doing some thinking.”

“Of course you have, silly. It’s been written all over your face for days now,” and Jude turned to Leia in surprise, her voice teasing. “You’d have to be blind not to notice it.”

Jude turned red at her words, slightly, looking down. “It’s… It’s not about Milla, at least not entirely. I’m fine, don’t worry. …It’s just—”

“You’re worried about Alvin, aren’t you?”

At this, his heart stopped, and he jerked his head up once more to see her face, which bore a sad smile. He had been terrified to reveal his thoughts, _horrified_ that he would even _dare_ say such things to Leia’s face after she had almost _died_ by that man’s _own hand_ , and Jude had sat in that deserted hut with her with no other help, coaxing out the bullet with his spirit artes while she had screamed and cried in agony, desperately hoping that he had sealed everything up well enough and having no way to know if he had made anything worse in the process, trying to keep her fed and hydrated while she ran that terribly high fever, not daring to leave too far for food _(and that was partly his own fault, wasn’t it?_ He _had been the one to discard so much precious food she had tried to give him while he was having his giant pity party; what kind of a monster **was** he?)_ , and praying to Milla herself (the only spirit or god he _would_ pray to anymore, real or not) that Leia wouldn’t go back to her sickly, frail state of when she was young – that it wouldn’t end up killing her even if his impromptu surgery was sound. He still had nightmares of dragging her to the hut and leaving a trail of blood along the ground in her wake, and he also felt sick that Elize’s home, of all places, was now a place that would forever be burned into his worst memories.

Jude hadn’t wanted to tell Leia. But for her to guess what he was concerned about, which he almost should have expected, considering the encounter with Mr. Eldin they had just had, was a hundred times worse.

“Leia, I-I’m so sorry, please let—”

“Whaaaaaaaat?!” came Teepo’s loud cry, stopping him, even as it had looked like Leia herself had been about to interrupt him. “You’re worried about that big fat liar?! After everything he did to you?!?!”

Leia looked down, and then slowly turned and approached Elize, crouching down in front of the girl and taking her hands in her own. From where he stood, he could see that she had tears in her eyes.

“He hurt you, Leia!!! He… He almost _killed_ you!”

“I know,” Leia replied, and Jude couldn’t see her face, but her voice, as well as Elize’s, was enough to form a lump in his throat. “…But I agree with Jude.”

“But why?! I don’t understand!”

Leia breathed shakily, he could hear, and next to her, Rowen hummed as he stroked his beard. Jude closed his eyes, waiting to hear what she would say. Perhaps she could word his thoughts better than he could.

“…Tell me, how did you feel around Alvin before he started acting badly? Did you like having him as your friend?”

“……Well… I suppose, I really did like him,” Elize began, sounding unsure. “He joked a lot, and some of the jokes were weird, but a lot of them made me laugh, too! He’s a good fighter, and he always protected me in battle. And… whenever he laughed, like the _real_ laugh, not the creepy one… it made me happy. I…” She gazed down, looking somewhat embarrassed but also sad, her voice softening. “…I kind of… thought that he was what a big brother would feel like if I had one.”

Elize then crossed her arms, expression growing angry. “…But all that changed when he started lying all the time and betraying us!” Teepo vehemently agreed.

“…You know what I think?” Leia asked, gently. “I think that all those nice things you described are the _real_ Alvin. And I think he really was happy to spend time with you, Elize, and with all of us, even if he didn’t know it. He wouldn’t have kept returning to us every time otherwise.”

“Didn’t know it? How could you not know something like that?! He only stayed with us in order to keep using us!! And every time he acted nice… and every time he acted sad to betray us, and sorry when he came back… All of it was a lie, and I can’t _stand_ it!!”

To his heartbreak, Elize was crying now, her face buried in her hands, and Jude hadn’t missed how her rant had started angry and become more despaired near the end, the change in her voice throughout it evident. He watched Leia reach around and hug the little girl, Teepo watching sadly from above.

“……You wouldn’t be crying like this if you really hated him, would you?”

“I-I’m crying because I’m mad at him, and because he almost killed you! And because Milla might not be dead right now if he had told us things _sooner!”_

Leia shook her head, even though Elize couldn’t see her.

“All those things Alvin did… he probably did them because he was scared. Because he felt like he didn’t have any other choice.”

“…Scared…?”

“Yes.”

As Elize quieted down, Leia pulled away, wiping the girl’s eyes with her fingers. “We know that Alvin, along with the rest of Exodus, has been trying to return to Elympios for… for twenty years now. I’m certain he didn’t like working with Exodus, but they were his only chance of getting home, and they were the only other people he knew who were also from his home. …And… the only family he has on this side, aside from Gilland apparently, is… h-his mother.”

Jude heard her voice crack on the last word, and he closed his eyes and aimed his face up at the sky as unwilling memories of Alvin introducing his mother to them entered his mind, thinking of how they had casually talked of “Alfred” as if he were an entirely different person, with mentions of peach pie and big boats (the boat, he now knew, was the Zenethra that Alvin had terrible memories of. He could relate, now), Alvin so skilled at masking the pain in his voice so that it was barely noticeable, and him leaving that tiny room slowly and stiffly afterwards, while leaning against the wall, as if afraid that as soon as he set foot outside, let go of it, he would never be able to enter again.

So much he had tried to ignore, shove into the back of his mind, hadn’t he? It was so much easier to be angry and frustrated, to focus on what was most obvious and hateful, instead of what lie beneath the surface.

He felt so awful.

“Twenty years…” Elize was murmuring, her voice mournful. “That’s a long time… to be away from home… It must have been really scary.”

“I can’t even imagine it,” Leia whispered. “To be in a world that’s entirely foreign to you for so long, with no one to truly help you… Alvin couldn’t have been older than ten when he first came here, probably younger. I wonder… if he even remembers what living on Elympios was like anymore.”

“I don’t remember my parents anymore… and I was so lonely in Hamil, all alone…”

“…But then why does he have to act so mean all the time?!” Teepo was the one to speak now, voicing the ultimate question. “If he’s really scared, why does he never ACT that way? And why didn’t he ever ask us for help?!

“Because we never made him feel welcome to.”

Jude finally spoke, after having silently watched the exchange, his fists clenched at his sides. Leia stood up, turning to face him while still standing next to Elize, her eyes teary and her expression distraught. He didn’t know if he should feel relieved that she agreed with him or not.

“What do you mean?” Elize asked, eyes worried.

“We… Think about it,” Jude began, walking forward, his voice strained. “Every time he betrayed us, we grew angry. Every time he inevitably returned to us, we were angry.” Teepo opened his mouth to retort, and Jude held up his hand, luckily silencing him. “I know. We had a right to be upset, because he was making things hard for us… and hurting us.”

He took a deep breath, trying to speak his mind in the best way.

“But… if _I_ were in pain, and doing things that I didn’t want to do, but that I didn’t have any _choice_ in doing, because I thought it was my only hope… If I had been operating that way for so long, then it would be hard for me to know how to be any different. …Especially if… the people who I wanted to be friends with, who I was hurting, never tried to understand how I truly felt, and only judged me.”

“…I always thought that Alvin was remorseful every time he left us, and truly _wanted_ to be with us again each time he came back,” Leia added, to which Jude slowly nodded. “Even… t-that last time, somehow, I couldn’t… can’t… entirely hate him for. I don’t… think he meant to do it.”

Jude bit his lip, and thought of how Alvin himself had said that very thing, as Leia smiled weakly, looking down after glancing apologetically at him for a moment. Yet again, he thought that it felt so strange: he should have been angry, but all he could feel was tired, and sad. All his anger had left him, truly, once he had been sure that Leia would pull through, and he had felt nothing but a sort of weak, bittersweet emptiness that he imagined wasn’t entirely unlike Alvin probably felt right about now… or had the entire time.

“…I wasn’t really in my right mind at the time, and I was angry at Alvin for trying to hurt us, a week ago. But now that I can look back on it… he’d reached his breaking point, just like I had. He seemed scared, and more desperate than ever to get back to Elympios, which is why he made the deal with Muzet. He didn’t _want_ to hurt us… but he wasn’t thinking straight anymore, at all.”

He had lost his entire will to live without Milla there anymore; was Alvin really that different, with no longer any way to get home?

“…It’s sort of like… how Jiao died to protect you, Elize,” Leia continued, and the girl let out a small sound of surprise, her eyes tearing up once more. “We do things we don’t want to do… for the sake of the people we love. Even if… even if others might hate us for it. …I truly believe Alvin would sacrifice anything for the sake of his mom, and to bring her home… even if he lost our trust in return, no matter how much it hurt him. And that’s why… when he seemed sad, it wasn’t a lie. It wasn’t fake. I’m sure of it.”

“But… But we can’t read his mind; how could we know that Alvin was so lonely, and still wanted to be our friend and not hurt us, if he never told us anything about his past until recently?” Teepo sounded sad, now, and Elize’s pained expression matched his own.

“If I may,” Rowen began, and they all glanced at him, waiting for the old man to continue as he put his hands behind his back. “Jude touched on this a few moments ago, but it’s likely that Alvin has been living this way for a very long time. Without anyone to guide him properly from a young age to his adulthood, with his sole mission being to take care of his mother and follow Exodus’ orders in order to return to Elympios with a way to save it, along with any other odds jobs on the side he collected, he surely never had a chance to have a true, complete childhood, and has never had anyone he could truly call a friend to support him, at least not for a long while. He has lived in a dog-eat-dog world for the majority of his time alive, where anyone could easily take his life if he made the wrong decision, like Exodus nearly did, with that meal we all almost ate in Xian Du. It saddens me to think of the hardships he has probably endured, and tasks he has most likely been made to carry out, at an age that no child should ever have to do such things.

“In short, for someone who has lived this way for as long as he can remember, sharing his true feelings to others is no easy task for Alvin,” Rowen continued quietly. “Being vulnerable is something that someone like him could least afford while working for Exodus, and it must be very difficult for him to wrap his mind around the notion that, possibly, there might be a way out for him, that we would want to help him, if we only knew that he so desperately needed it. Otherwise, his personality he usually displays around us is a coping mechanism, of sorts: if he pretends that his harmful actions towards us do not bother him, he can make himself believe that it is true, and cause himself less emotional pain in the long run. And most likely, he wanted us to dislike him, to believe this mask of his, so that he could betray us all the easier. Alvin’s choices might not be right, but they are surely the only way he knows to live, and if we had paid more attention to him, and made it more clear that we were accepting of him, that we wished to help him, he might have been more willing to open up to us… and perhaps, then, things might not have occurred the way they sadly have.”

Everyone was silent for a long while, processing Rowen’s words. Jude wondered, staring at nothing, where Alvin had been and what he had been doing, miles away in Rieze Maxia, when he had been little and happily living in Leronde. The more he thought about it, the more his stomach knotted, painfully tight.

“……We shouldn’t have been so cold to him,” he whispered, finally, his voice barely audible. “Maybe we wouldn’t have known to reach out to him, and sure, we _should_ have gotten angry sometimes. …But some of it, we went too far. And we never even stopped to consider his perspective, not _once.”_

“I feel so ashamed, now,” Rowen said, shaking his head. “Out of everyone in our group, I should have tried to prevent things from getting worse, and yet, I sat back and did nothing. Even with my own troubles on my mind, I should have realized how much pain he was in: as time went on, it became more obvious. I should have known that he needed an extra push, a helping hand – that he wouldn’t be able to pull himself out of the hole he had dug himself into on his own. …But I did nothing, and it has cost us all so much, including Alvin. The fact that I can only now understand my mistake too late, after he revealed to us everything, is something I truly regret. …It seems that I am always too late.”

“When he finally told us that he was from Elympios, and told us that they didn’t have mana lobes… and had to use spyrix,” Jude continued, after giving Rowen a sympathetic look, his voice hoarse, “we… we _scolded_ him for it. We thought it was strange, and wrong. Even though it isn’t… anything that he, they, can help. We… We judged Alvin for it, and all because……”

Jude swallowed, feeling terrible, for multiple reasons.

It was all because of her, in the end. They all believed her without question: spyrix were bad, anyone who used them were bad, no matter who they were, compared to people who used spirit artes. But he had never imagined that they would encounter anyone from _another world_ who broke these rules that he had built up in his mind without hesitation merely because of what she had told him.

…That was no excuse, though. Nothing was entirely black and white.

Not Exodus, and certainly not Alvin.

“…His home… is _dying._ ” Leia’s eyes had tears in them, and she put her hand over her mouth as Jude watched helplessly. “He’s been alone for _so long_ , w-with no one but his sick mother who d-doesn’t even know who he _is_ , with no other real friends, in a world that he feels out of place in, that wouldn’t understand him… a-and all this time, he’s been trying to go h-home… with her… and the rest… even if all that’s waiting for him is a dying world.”

She turned away, and Rowen put his hand on her shoulder sympathetically. Elize looked at Jude, crying again.

“…Did… Did I hurt Alvin? Have I been hurting him all this time without knowing, just like I did with Leia? I-I… I didn’t like him b-being mean, but now I… I don’t know anything anymore… I didn’t mean to hurt him…! What… what have I done…?”

Jude grit his teeth as Elize sunk to the ground, and Rowen moved to comfort her next, reassuring her that she wasn’t to blame. He had known that this would cause so many conflicting feelings amongst them, and he would absolutely be lying if he said that he didn’t feel the same. But Jude knew that he couldn’t keep quiet about it anymore, could not ignore the obvious truths that had been in front of them this entire time, if they had only just looked hard enough.

They had to think for themselves, now. That was what he had told Alvin, after all.

“All creatures… deserve to live,” Jude said, causing them all to turn to look at him as he clenched his fists at his sides. He thought about the Exodus soldier they had just seen being carried away a few minutes ago, who had been begging for help for Elympios, and he cringed. “Spirits, and humans, no matter where they’re from. …And that includes Alvin.” He had been studying as a doctor because he had wanted to help people, hadn’t he? So how could he so coldly ignore someone so desperately in need of healing? “We’ve been wrong about him for too long… and I think… we should give him… one last chance. And do it right this time. To prove to him… that we actually care about him.”

He didn’t voice his deepest thoughts, what he had realized long after having seen him at Hamil, as he glanced guiltily at Leia: _I’m really scared for him._

“I… I want to go find him.”

It was a horrible thing to ask of her; of them, but mostly of her. Jude felt sick to even do so. No matter how many conclusions they had come to right here, that didn’t change what Alvin had done. What he had _almost_ done.

“…I want to make him apologize.” Jude swallowed. “And then… I want to help him, in any way possible anymore.”

He turned to Leia, even as he spoke to everyone.

“You all can disagree, if you don’t feel comfortable with this. Please be honest.”

There was another moment of silence, as his eyes roamed across the three faces in front of him. Finally, he settled on Leia once more, as he heard her take a deep breath, wiping her tears and nodding as she clasped her hands together.

“I want to go, too. In the end, I’m okay… and if he sincerely feels bad about it, then there’s nothing for me to dwell on anymore.” Her eyes were determined, even as her lip trembled slightly, and Jude was in awe of how strong she was, his throat tight. “…He’s our L-Little Buddy, right? Friends don’t abandon friends in need.”

Her phrasing seemed to convince Elize, and she too nodded slowly, burying her face into Teepo’s head, her eyes watery. “…If Leia’s okay with it, then I am too. I want to apologize if I hurt Alvin, and…” Voice cracking, she pushed on. “…I-I miss him, how he was at first. And I understand what being lonely is like. So if we can help him, I want to.”

Jude turned to Rowen, who closed his eyes, speaking solemnly. “As painful as it is to say in some ways, I do not believe Alvin will be a threat to us anymore if we were to encounter him again, as broken as his spirit surely is now, and with nothing to gain by hurting us anymore, with no way to breach the schism any longer if Muzet’s offer was a farce, as I’d wager he most likely figured out after he was unable to kill Jude. I may not have been able to help Nachtigal before it was too late… and Lord Cline… but there is still a chance to help Alvin, and one that I believe he deserves. …After all, it is likely that he had wanted to kill Milla from the moment he first met her in order to bring down the schism quicker and easier, but he held off, and there is, I believe, something to be said about that.”

_He’s right,_ Jude thought, paling, as the others’ eyes widened. Alvin had known that Maxwell’s death would bring down the schism, they now knew, and yet he had never killed Milla… and in the end, when she died anyway, Alvin’s only reward was…

Jude squeezed his eyes shut tightly, sighing heavily. That had likely been the last straw for him, and he couldn’t blame him. But from now on, there would be no more silence, no more ostracizing, no more lies, and no more frustration. Alvin needed them, it was as clear as day after their last encounter with him, and it wasn’t fair that Jude could find purpose after the loss of Milla and Alvin couldn’t; after all, he had friends, and a life to go back to in Fennment or Leronde, the one that he had had before he had gotten involved in this journey, but what did Alvin have anymore? Barely anything, he knew.

He had told him that Milla wasn’t going to hold their hands anymore, but that didn’t mean that they couldn’t still do it for Alvin. He would always love Milla, but there were some things she hadn’t realized, like all of them, and in thinking for himself once more, he would help their lost friend as the first step.

That is what she would have truly wanted.

Jude looked up, nodding with certainty.

“Alright then, it’s settled.”

Elize wiped her eyes, allowing Teepo to float up beside her again, and Leia nodded as well. Rowen stroked his beard, looking thoughtful, and asked the question he had been waiting for.

“Where do you suppose we might find him? He could be… anywhere, frankly.”

“I know,” Jude replied. “…But I think there’s one place that’s more likely than any other. And while we’re there, we could see if the wyverns returned.”

Leia understood even before he had finished his sentence, and her expression grew pained once more. Elize comprehended soon after, after Rowen, and she looked down sadly, holding her hands together.

“I hope he’s there.”

“Me too,” Jude said, walking ahead of them. “It’ll be a long trek no matter where we would go first, Xian Du or Nia Khera, so we’d better set out.” The others made sounds of agreement behind him, and they were off.

Jude prayed that the increasing, inexplicable feeling of dread he felt would end up meaning nothing.

 

* * *

 

Upon finally reaching Xian Du, after many days of Jude asking Leia if she was comfortable with this, to which she reassured him each and every time exasperatedly that she was, they discovered that the wyverns had come back safely, as Rowen had predicted. If Alvin wasn’t here, they would have to give up the search for now, since their main destination was close… if nothing else, they had a feeling that he would find his way back to them himself eventually, like he always did. They didn’t like the thought of giving up so easily, but they didn’t have much of a choice, with no other solid ideas: time was of the essence with the other matters on their hands.

But Jude was positive that Alvin was here. After all, not including Presa, who it had seemed didn’t much want to interact with him, his mother was the only person he had left.

He tried not to run as they made their way to the door on the upper level.

“Do you think it’s really okay to just enter?” Leia asked quietly, after knocking hadn’t given any response. “What if we disturb her? …Or maybe _he_ doesn’t _want_ to be?”

Jude breathed slowly, trying to fight down the rising panic inside of him that he knew was completely irrational and speculative, tried to ignore the images running through his mind of Alvin from days before. “I… Maybe we could just take a quick peek. If he’s not in there, we’ll leave.”

“That should be fine enough,” Rowen said.

He nodded, more to himself than to the other man, and slowly pushed the door open, grateful that it didn’t make a sound.

Inside, they silently made their way up the stairs leading into the dim candlelit room. The first thing he noticed was a unique odor that he hadn’t smelt the previous times they had been here, and it didn’t take long for him to recognize it as the smell of disinfectant.

When they reached the top of the stairwell, Jude felt his heart stop.

“…Huh?”

The bed where Alvin’s mother had been was now empty, the sheets and bedding pulled down haphazardly and messily. As he looked around further, the rest of the room showed signs of disarray as well, with some chairs having fallen over and random objects strewn about, a few of the numerous tapestries covering the walls torn down.

“Jude, where’s…”

The place was empty.

“……No…”

Jude felt himself sinking to his knees, not in control of his body, not unlike how he had been that fateful day in Hamil.

_No._

Leia let out a cry behind him, the sound muffled as she clearly put her hand over her mouth.

_Nononononono… I didn’t want to be right, anything but this, please **no…!**_

How could he have been right? _Why?_ …And how could they not have known?

He knew the answer to that last question, though, didn’t he?

“It’s such a mess in here… Where’s Alvin’s mom?” Jude vaguely heard Teepo talking over his heartbeat in his ears, and then saw Rowen walk in front of him slowly, leaning down to pick something up off the ground.

“That’s…!”

His eyes widened as he saw what was in Rowen’s hand, gasping as Leia did, overwhelmed even more as he stared at a familiar golden pistol.

“…It appears that he was here,” Rowen murmured, and Jude fell back into a sitting position, muffling his own cries now, overwhelmed, the millions of questions flooding through his mind as he desperately and pathetically tried to think that maybe what things looked like wasn’t truly what had happened, even as he had little hope.

Before he could manage to speak, though, Elize cut through all of their thoughts.

“Um, guys?” she called to them from the side of the room. “There’s noise coming from… in here…”

Jude turned his head towards her slowly, and all of a sudden, he could hear it for the first time: muffled sounds coming from behind the sole other door in the place.

He jerked himself to his feet, rushing over to it as Elize hastily stepped aside, and pulled open the door, leading to what it was soon obvious was a very cramped and tiny bathroom.

Inside, a familiar brown figure leaned against the wall, halfway to the floor and vomiting into the bathtub.

_“Alvin?!”_

“…Who’sthere.. J-Jude…? T’better not be youuu,” slurred the older man as Jude practically rushed at him, grabbing at and turning him around as he fully collapsed to the tiled floor in a half-sprawl. “…Don’t wanna… see your shutpid… face ‘gain… anymore…”

“Leia, _help_ me!”

“A-Ah, coming!!”

Jude pulled a towel off the rack, patting down Alvin’s face, as Leia ducked into the narrow corridor with the two of them, her small size handy. “…D-Do you think he’s, uh… done?”

“Hopefully so,” Jude groaned, gritting his teeth as he pulled Alvin up with the help of Leia. “If not, we can use a bucket or something. I don’t want to leave him in here, at the very least; he looks awful.”

“R-Right, okay.”

As they made their way back into the main room, he spotted Elize and Rowen searching for and grabbing more towels and a bowl, which made him smile a bit. All the while, Alvin was murmuring nonsense in their ears, and he bit his lip, hearing it, and seeing how terribly pale and sickly he looked.

“The bed, right Jude?”

Jude glanced over at the bed, his stomach turning as his eyes burned. It was the only, and best option… but _still_ …

“…Yeah, of course.” He hoped the crack in his voice wasn’t obvious.

Together, they sat Alvin down on the edge, as Rowen asked behind them if they could be of any more assistance, to which he thanked them for the offer. The sound of Elize’s quiet, soft cries as their oldest group member reassured her matched how he felt, as he tried to focus on the task of removing the man’s coat, scarf, and boots.

“He’s got a fever,” Leia murmured, putting her hand on Alvin’s forehead as Jude silently cursed the man’s fashion choices as he struggled to pull off the giant scarf. “Ugh, how long has he been like this?”

“I’d rather not think about that,” Jude whispered, mostly trying not to think of the Leia from Hamil.

“…Leia…?”

Alvin’s glassy eyes focused on her, as she supported him upright while Jude worked on his shoes.

“Ahhh… Must’ve died aaafter all… if Leia s’here…. yeah…… guess you’re… ‘ere to t-torture me… yell a’ me… fair p-price t’pay for suc’eedin dying though, I guess…”

He heard Leia moan, and he stifled a sob once more, resisting the urge to bang his head against the closest hard surface in frustration and grief.

“I’m _NOT_ dead, you big idiot! And neither are you, you got that?!”

Gazing sadly at Leia hugging Alvin’s head, tears streaming down her cheeks, he stood up and gently took the man’s other side, cringing at the sound of him coughing into Leia’s shoulder, and the feeling of intense heat through his gloves that was even more noticeable with only Alvin’s thin shirt on. As well as the sight of the scars and bruises visible through his collar and covering his hands, as well as his face. Most looked old, but some of the face ones were red and raw enough to be new.

When the coughing had subsided, they gently lowered him down on his side, Leia flicking him lightly on the forehead. “You’re not allowed to die because you’re supposed to apologize to me for what you did, you hear me Alvin?!” Her anger was weak through her tears, though still clear, and it wasn’t obvious if Alvin even understood half of what they were saying, his eyes foggy and staring at something far away that they couldn’t possibly see, with an indescribable amount of sadness in them. “And after that you’re going to keep on living, no matter what?! Even if we have to drag you around everywhere with us! Even if we have to force you to stay with us and _force_ you to realize how important your life is, even if you can’t go back home, and even if… e-even i-if… you only have _u-us_ anymore…!”

She collapsed at the side of the bed, sobbing, and Alvin twitched as she took his hand, squeezing it tightly, his eyelids drooping with exhaustion.

“…I’m not ddead aft’ all…? Damn… ccan’t even suc’ceed at thaaa…… wanted to… see Mom again…… ‘pologize to her…… for not… bringing her home………… s’not fair………………”

He felt his eyes welling up as Alvin drifted off to sleep, turning his face away as Leia’s choked, hiccupping sobs echoed throughout the room, her pressing her forehead against her hand holding Alvin’s.

“… _Damn you,_ Alvin…!”

He turned sharply as he felt a hand on him, and Rowen looked down at him sympathetically and comfortingly. Elize walked over, clutching Teepo tightly as she crouched beside Leia. “…I-Is he going to be okay?”

“I’m sure he will, since we came here when we did,” Rowen said softly, the unfinished part of his sentence hanging terribly in the air. “He seems to be resting as peacefully as he can, for now; we should fetch a doctor for him to do the rest.”

A doctor. Jude bit his lip, wondering bitterly where Isla had gone; if she had turned tail and fled Xian Du the minute her patient had passed away. Realistically, she wouldn’t be able to, with Yurgen living here and not knowing anything about her shadier side, but he wouldn’t have been surprised if she had tried to find a way, in fear of Alvin seeking her out.

Alvin… How long had he known? How long had his mother been… dead?

The fact that Jude had already feared this purely based on the man’s recent behavior gave him a good idea. It was more than he could bear.

Jude shook his head, staring at the man in the bed, watching his relatively slow breathing that was occasionally interrupted by coughs. He could afford to get truly emotional and ponder everything later, once Alvin was taken care of; once they could talk to him normally again, and help him. For now, regrets would solve nothing.

“…Leia, want to go with Rowen to find a doctor? I’ll stay here and watch him.”

His friend looked up at him immediately, her face wet, but shaking her head. “No, I want to stay here… I-I just don’t want to leave him right now. I’ll be fine, I promise!”

His heart squeezed in his chest painfully, as he managed a sad smile. That was Leia, so strong and so kind. So forgiving.

“I’ll stay here too,” Elize whispered, her tiny hand reaching out and holding onto Alvin’s bigger, calloused one as well. “…I feel like… I owe it to him, somehow. Friends don’t abandon friends in need. And he’ll need people here for him if he wakes up before you get back.”

“…Okay,” Jude replied, still smiling weakly as he pulled the blankets up higher on Alvin’s shoulder. He tried not to think about how many times Alvin himself might have done the same thing. “We’ll be back, then.”

He turned to Rowen and nodded, and the other reassured him once more, silently, that everything would be fine, as they walked up the stairs and out of the house, Alvin’s distressed murmurs reaching Jude’s ears until he had shut the door.

 

* * *

 

“You don’t need to take care of me,” Alvin whispered, hoarse.

“I will if I want to,” Elize retorted softly, sponging down the man’s forehead with a washcloth.

It was the middle of the night, the second one they had spent in Xian Du. The doctor Jude and Rowen had brought the first evening had given them medicine for Alvin, asserting that he was dehydrated and likely also had barely eaten in days, which had made it all the worse when he became ill. He’d left with orders to give him the medicine daily, and to make sure he ate and drank what he could handle, and rested sufficiently.

They hadn’t had an answer when asked what Alvin had been doing recently that might have led to his weak state. If the doctor had sensed the tension in the room surrounding the question, he was gracious enough to not ask further.

So far, Alvin had slept through the night and through most of the next day, being woken rarely to be given medicine and food. He had been silent those times, either because he chose not to speak or because he hadn’t the energy to start a conversation, lethargic as he still was. They had decided to rotate people sleeping in the house with him while others stayed at Xian Du’s inn, until he had recovered enough to leave; Elize had put her foot down and refused to not be included in this, declaring that she could handle anything that happened overnight as much as any of them could, to which they had reluctantly and finally agreed to. She had found herself unable to sleep, however, and had spotted her patient awake as well, and this was the first time he had truly spoken coherently since they had arrived.

“…Guess you will; should’ve known.” Alvin shivered, groaning as he pulled the covers even tighter around his neck. Elize cast a healing arte lightly, the doctor having said that it could help with the headaches.

“Are you cold? I’m sorry I can’t make it warmer… How do you feel otherwise?”

“Like s—” Alvin wet his lips. “…Terrible.”

“…Yeah.”

Sadly, she turned a little next to the bed, gazing out absentmindedly through the large window that filled the inset section of the house. Moonlight streamed through it onto the floor, bathing them in the glow, and the view through the window taking her breath away.

“……Pretty, isn’t it?”

Out of the corner of her vision, she looked at Alvin. He appeared even paler in the light, but even now compared to a moment before, his eyes seemed less hazy and seemed to sparkle with tired awe. There were tears in them, as well, she was certain, and her breath caught in her throat.

“……It’s beautiful.”

There was a shuddering, heavy sigh. Elize kept her gaze transfixed on the window, and the inviting light of moon.

“………It’s really damn ironic, i-isn’t it. Here of all places… and yet I don’t even get to die here too.” A choked sob, then. “…Pro’ly more beautiful than anywhere in Elympios now… hah… Really hope it was like this ev’ry night… f-for her…”

He coughed a little, then, after which his breathing evened and slowed as he fell silent. Elize didn’t blink, staring at the light, her eyes burning, thinking of Jiao and her parents, and Wingul when he was the boy she had known, and tried to imagine Alvin when he was a boy, lost and alone and afraid as any of them then.

Finally, she moved back to his side, kissing his tearstained cheeks and whispering unheard words of apology.

 

* * *

 

“Why are you here?”

Jude stiffened at the voice from behind him, setting down the tray Alvin had eaten from near the stairs. He turned back around to gaze at him, who was sitting more upright in bed now, propped up on some pillows. It was the fifth day, and he had improved significantly, though he still dozed off often, and his eyes were still red and tired. But his color had returned, and they had taken care of the scars and bruising on his face and body.

Deep down, he had been expecting this talk any day now.

“…Because you’re sick, of course,” Jude murmured. “Why else?”

There was a moment of silence, as Leia and Elize looked up from the book they were reading together in surprise, noticing what was going on.

Finally, Alvin let out a broken laugh, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose with his fingers while putting the other hand behind his head.

“Of course, of course. I put up with it for a while, but now I just have to get this out there,” His voice was casual and yet simultaneously sounded as if it could break at any moment, rough with disuse and hoarseness. “I finally say enough is enough, to hell with it all, what’s the point of anything anymore, and I leave everyone alone for good so no one has to deal with terrible ole’ me anymore, and you _juuuuust_ gotta come find me again anyway, for Maxwell knows what reason. You people sure are something else; I really don’t get you at all.”

Leia gasped from behind him, and Jude tried not to flinch, putting his hand on his arm and looking down. “…Well… We changed our minds, is all. We weren’t just going to abandon you completely.”

“And why wouldn’t you? After _everything?!_ You ’changed your minds’? Oh, that’s so nice of you, how nice that you would do that; _you_ can _a-afford_ to do that, can’t you? Change on a whim; I’m so envious. The honors student learned some mo—" He stopped to cough, his voice rough and raspy. “…W-What’s the point anymore. There’s none. You shouldn’t have looked for me; I have no value to you at all.”

“Alvin, that’s—!” Elize started to shout.

_Keep it together, he’s just tired, and angry, and grieving; keep it together, keep it together—_

“We came here because we were _worried_ about you,” Jude whispered, his thinly veiled frustration leaking out. “Because we regretted how everything between us turned out. And you scared us half to death when we found you—”

“So you took pity on me, is that it?!” Alvin growled, voice rising in pitch once more, despite his sickness. “You felt _sorry_ for me, just like you pretended to feel sorry for me the last two times I brought you here, but then never did again. Not that it matters, because I don’t and never did want your pity, but it’s the truth. The whole damn world never took pity on either me or my mother or ANY of us, so _why would I want it now?!_ You gave me that entire damn goody-two shoes speech about how I had to live for myself now and that no one is going to hold our hands, after treating me and my people and my homeland like nothing but crap and giving me crap every time I did my _job_ , just because you hung on Milla’s every word like an obedient puppy, and _now_ you come here and change your mind and decide to be charitable?! You just want to play doctor, to feel _good_ about yourself now that Milla’s gone, even though you hate and have always hated my guts, is that it?!?!”

_“How dare you;_ after we saved your stupid life, _this_ is how you thank us?! After Milla already saved your life once?!?!” Jude could scarcely breathe, Leia and Elize trying and failing to interrupt and stop their argument from what sounded like miles away. Alvin’s words rang with truth, but he’d be damned if he was going to let him know it, and _damned_ if he was going to make himself out to be the only victim after everything, after Milla had _died_. “Like it or not, we _do_ feel sorry for you now; we messed up, okay?! We all did, in a lot of ways! _But so did you!_ And lest you forget, _you nearly_ killed _Leia, and you’re so stupid and selfish that you still haven’t even apologized for it even after everything she’s done to help you—!”_

“Jude, _stop!”_ cried Leia, pulling on him from behind.

_“EXACTLY, I NEARLY KILLED HER! AND THERE’S **NOTHING I CAN DO TO MAKE UP FOR THAT!!!”**_

The words hung in the air, weighting them down like the arte had that fateful day. Jude wanted to scream, but his mouth wouldn’t form anything at all.

_“…_ My mother is **_d-dead_** _!”_ Alvin continued, and his voice shook, as did Jude’s resolve, despite everything. “She died back while we were watching my uncle use that godforsaken lance that’s been the cause of so much hell; I never even got to _see_ her o-one last time!! I can _never go home, **ever**!_ I’ve made so many mistakes and have been a failure my entire life, I don’t know _HOW_ to befriend anyone and not stab them in the back later; I practically don’t even know what it feels like to be human anymore! I have _nothing LEFT, DON’T YOU GET THAT?!?!_ No one will want me, no one _SHOULD_ want me!! Nothing I can do can make up for **_ANYTHING I’VE EVER DONE; IT WAS ALL FOR NOTHING IN THE END!_** _I. HAVE. **NOTHING.**_ I finally make it here, ready to lay down and d-die somehow in the only place I’d want to, and got the idea to throw back a bunch of Mom’s pills once I found them still in the bathroom to drag it out, and _still, STILL, **STILL**_ , _you come here and keep me alive and continue to torture me with your selfish desires!!! Well guess what, I CAN’T BE WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE; **WHAT DO YOU**_ **WANT** _**FROM ME?!?!** —”_

_“Alvin.”_

Jude hadn’t even seen Rowen appear, but suddenly he was there, holding Alvin back, who at some point had tried to crawl out of the bed to make his point, Rowen’s single word somehow booming over the shouting that had just been filling their ears and stopping it all. Jude stood where he was, unable to move but trembling slightly, his eyes burning and his heart pounding in his head as it had the day they had first entered the house and found Leticia gone. The only other sounds were those of Elize sobbing from behind him, and Alvin’s heavy, ragged, choking, exhausted breathing.

The room had never felt as small and claustrophobic as it did now.

_So she died that long ago… he found out before we took Kanbalar back… His mother died and he carried on as long as he did… and then Milla died and…_

_…Milla…_

_Why aren’t you here now? You wouldn’t want this. Any of it. I said it back then, but I know it for sure now._

_Not even for Alvin._

“…Young man, you need to calm down.” Rowen spoke sternly, after what felt like an eternity. “You mustn’t strain yourself; you’re still ill. And I will have no talk of you trying to kill yourself in front of these children, who care deeply about you despite what you may think.”

Jude almost laughed.

_Of course we do, somehow, however you figure that. We always did, and he did us. But all of us were – and_ are _– too blind to see it._

“A-Alvin,” Leia sobbed, walking forward until Jude stopped her with his arm. “I-I’m fine, see? I’m right h-here; I’m not dead. And you’re _not_ a failure, it _wasn’t_ all for nothing, and I know I’m probably a sad excuse for a friend, b-but you still have us! I prom—!”

“We all care about you, _don’t you get that?!_ ” Jude interrupted her, tears in his eyes, voice shaking. “We all feel terrible about what you went through, and we’re _sorry_ we never tried to help you sooner; never were _able_ to!! I’m apologizing for all our rudeness and our oversight right here and right now, Alvin! But don’t you _DARE_ give up and act like you’re unforgivable and unable to change, don’t you dare act like you’re the only one hurting here, and a lost cause; _anyone can change_ , as long as they _try._ If you don’t even give us one measly apology to show that you truly feel bad for your mistakes, then you haven’t tried at all. You haven’t even made the first step. We’d accept it if you meant it; why wouldn’t we, since we came all the way here _looking_ for you because I was so _worried sick about you_ after Hamil?! We, all of us here, want to start over, but that’s never going to happen if you’ve _convinced_ yourself that you can’t be the person we know you can, and are going to just give up and lay down and die. I-I didn’t know what to do, either, but I’m here now, alive!! All of us here have lost someone important to them… but we _got up and we tried to keep going…!_ So just get it into your _damned thick skull_ already that we want to be your friend again and _LET US HELP YOU!!!_ I don’t… I don’t want to _lose_ anyone _anymore…!”_

Near-silence once more. Leia sobbing breaths echoed near his ear, as did Elize’s, who had stopped full-on crying. He felt the little girl approach him and take his hand, and he squeezed back, weakly, as Leia put her hand on his shoulder.

Alvin, tears running down his face, collapsed his head completely into Rowen’s supporting arm, his voice broken and frail and despaired.

“…Just leave me alone for a while… _please…_ ”

Jude, his heart hurting even as he pursed his lips in anger, looked at Rowen for advice. The other man only nodded sadly, turning back and slowly helping Alvin settle down on his side in a sleeping position, after which the brunette quickly pulled the blankets over his head so that he was hidden from view.

Always hiding, always running away. It was just like him.

“…Come on, let’s go” Jude said stiffly to Elize, taking a shaky breath as he pulled the little girl with him towards the stairs, despite her worried quiet protests. Leia looked distraught and anxious, glancing between Alvin’s form and Rowen hastily, as if trying to ask him if it was safe to leave him alone, which the other seemed to think that it was. It was likely that he was still too weak to move far, at least… and probably didn’t have the will to, either, by the looks of it. “Clearly we’re not wanted.”

Even without worrying, Jude found himself stepping into the bathroom and pulling the pill bottle Alvin had mentioned out of the cabinet, confirming that Rowen still kept the golden pistol in his bag.

As their oldest group member led the girls down the stairs, comforting them, Jude turned back one last time, calling out loud enough that Alvin could hear him.

“……I know you don’t want “pity”, but I’m truly sorry about your mother. I’m so sorry we didn’t know. I wish she could have gone back to Elympios with you. She seemed like a truly wonderful person.”

Then, he left.

Outside, Elize was still crying into Leia’s waist. The older girl sunk to her level as she often did, clearly upset as well but trying to hold it in for Elize’s sake. After they had talked for a moment, she stood back up and told them that they were going to go shopping, for fun, and after Rowen gave his approval, Leia led their youngest member away down the bridge. She was probably trying to make up for the day that Driselle had tried to take them shopping that had ended in disaster, Jude thought. He was glad that they had this time for this, if nothing else.

His best friend and Elize were close, he was glad to see. At least some of them could stick together.

“Jude.”

“Mmmm, yes?” He shook himself out of his slight daze, turning to Rowen. The older man looked serious, and thoughtful, with a tinge of sorrow.

“Alvin is hurting and in pain, there is no denying that. And I do not wish for any real harm to befall him. …But… if it comes to a point where there is no longer anything we can do to help him, then –“

“I know that. But I’m not going to give up on him, not yet.”

He smiled bitterly, crossing his arms and leaning back against the wall, gazing out at the wide, vast beauty of Xian Du. “I guess I’m just doing it out of spite, at this point. To prove to him how wrong he is. …But it’s not just that; I’m also just trying to make up for… how I saw the world before all of this. I didn’t know anything, in Leronde or Fennment; I just knew mabo curry, and Leia, and sparring, and that I wanted to be a doctor… and all the studying and exams and responsibilities that came with that. But M-Milla showed me everything I was ignorant on, when I was able to travel with her… that there was so much else out there that I took for granted: so many complexities, so many problems, so many people hurting… she opened my eyes to so much.”

Jude looked down, at his open hands, swallowing thickly. “…S-So Alvin was right, heh; I’m just doing this for myself. …And in the end, I still wasn’t good enough to be able to help him in time.”

“That is not entirely true; you may have some selfish motives, but you are mostly doing this because you care about Alvin.” Rowen had put his hand on his shoulder, and his gentle tone was almost more than he could bear. “…You are still very young, Jude. Not that you aren’t mature, because you most definitely are, but no one your age, let alone Miss Elize’s, would ever see as much, and be forced to face as much as you have. It is only natural if it were to become too much for you; you have been through quite a lot within the past few weeks.”

Shaking, he bowed his head, trying not to think of Alvin in the context of the words. “I just… I _j-just…_ want to… want to help the people who _need it the most…!”_

Without even realizing it, Rowen had pulled him to his chest, hugging him and patting his back as he sobbed quietly. It was much more than he had ever cried in a very long time, and as embarrassed by it as Jude was, it felt a little liberating, as well. Even as his heart was breaking.

_Why do good people have to be hurt so much, teaching them to be cold and selfish and closed-off instead of kind and open and loving? Why do people have to lose so much? What’s so wrong with this world, with… with Rieze Maxia specifically?_

_Why can’t I save anyone? Why do all our good intentions lead to nothing?_

_How could I be so naïve even after everything I’ve seen?_

_How can I tell Alvin that I’ve found my purpose again when even he knew that’s far from the truth? How can I have the right to think I know so much that I don’t?_

_Can I really follow through with what I’ve decided to do, no matter how much I might want to? Am I just all talk…?_

“……I-I… I wish Milla were… still here…”

“I know. As do I.”

The loss of your guiding light was unbearably painful to overcome. He knew that Alvin understood that feeling more than anyone.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, they all stood outside the house once more, not sure what to expect.

“Alright,” Jude sighed, pushing open the door, “let’s see if he’s in a better mood now.”

“It will be fine,” Rowen said softly, putting his hand on his back. “I’ve reflected on the situation much, and I’m quite sure of it.”

“Right.” He nodded, steeling himself, and led the way up the stairs, the others tentatively following. Muffled sounds of groaning reached their ears as they ascended, and he wondered just what Alvin might be doing to himself, sighing.

Whatever it was, hopefully he would let them help him, this time.

Soon enough, they found out. Their patient was out of bed, leaning against one of the far walls to support himself, haphazardly wearing his coat again, if not the scarf, and still looking very much out of it, holding his head with his other hand. Upon their arrival, however, his face shot up, taking them all in, as his expression grew shocked, and yet somewhat relieved, as well.

“O-Oh, you’re back, haha… Was gonna go out looking for you, heh…”

“You _what?!_ Alvin, you’re still – ah!”

Jude was interrupted when Alvin finally lost his battle to stay standing up, and he collapsed into a heap on the floor, face pale and dizziness clearly washing over him. When he rushed to help, however—

_“Stop!!”_

He halted mid-run, clenching his fists, feeling the anger well up in him slowly but surely as he looked at the arm Alvin had shot out towards him, signaling for him not to assist him. Were they really going to do this all over again? But _worse_ this time?

“…Alvin,” he whispered through his teeth, his eyes burning again. “We’re not just going to stand here and watch as—”

_“I’m sorry…!”_

Eyes widening, he stared at Alvin, who had prostrated himself on the floor in front of them. They couldn’t see his face, but his hands in front of him shook, and his voice was filled with desperation.

“…Huh?”

“I said _I’m sorry!_ I’m sorry for everything, okay?! I’m trying to apologize here!”

He heard Leia squeak, and Elize moan; Rowen made a sound of approval. Jude found himself speechless.

“…I-I’m so sorry, to all of you… f-for everything.” Alvin looked up at them now, his eyes hazy and bloodshot and pleading, and tears pouring from them like they had yesterday. “…I’m sorry for hurting you, I’m sorry for _b_ - _betraying_ y-you so many times, and acting like it was nothing… I’m sorry for… f-for letting Milla die…! For being rude to you, a-and not accepting your friendship… for being such a s-sorry excuse for a human being that I can’t even accept your kindness even when you would still give it to me… a-after _all_ of this.”

Alvin moved his line of sight, and Jude knew that he was looking at Leia.

“A-And Leia, I’m so, _so, so_ sorry… oh god. I’m sorry. I d-don’t know what else I can possibly say; there is nothing. Thank Maxwell you’re still alive, I-I…”

Once more, he put his face down, and his voice evened out somewhat, steadying even as Alvin still wept.

“…What I said yesterday, I still feel… I don’t know how any of what I’m saying can possibly be enough to make it up to you. …But… i-if it really is, if you would still accept me, as fu – as messed up and broken as I am, if you _really_ think I still deserve you all, t-then… Then I won’t run away anymore. I don’t deserve friends as kind and caring and _forgiving_ as you are. But even so: thank you. T-Thank you… _so_ much… I’m sorry.”

Silence reigned over the room. Alvin didn’t move at all for the entirety of it, and Jude was certain that everyone was afraid that even daring to breathe would break the dream.

Finally, though, he spoke.

“……Man, you really went all-out, didn’t you? Now I really feel like the bad guy… It’s gonna be hard to top that, when we still have so many things to make up to y-you.”

His voice cracked on the last word, his eyes watering yet again, as Alvin met his gaze, his own eyes wide. He knew he wore a smirk, and he laughed a little, despite himself.

“If you’re thanking _Maxwell_ of all people, then you must really have changed.”

Alvin’s face finally broke, as he snorted a little, a sound that quickly turned into a sob, as he shakily and weakly pushed himself back up onto his legs and looked away. Jude moved forward towards him, as did Leia, wiping her own tears off her cheeks, and both of them helped Alvin to his feet, gently guiding him back towards the bed. They helped him take off his coat and boots once more and settle back into the middle, Elize coming over and pulling the sheets atop his legs once more, patting them once they were to her satisfaction.

“…Guess I’m at your mercy until I get all better, _Doctor Jude_ ,” Alvin joked, looking exhausted but wearing a more genuine smile than they had ever seen him have. “…S-Sorry… about yesterday.”

“You better believe you are,” Jude retorted, his heart aching and yet filled. “Clearly we can’t leave you alone without you getting into _some_ kind of trouble.”

“Yup, that’s just who I am.”

“Also, we accept your apologies.”

“Haha…” Alvin put his hand over his eyes again, inhaling sharply. “……Thanks.”

Jude only smiled sadly, reaching out and rubbing the man’s shoulder. He then moved aside for Leia, who hugged Alvin warmly, still crying. “I would never abandon my L-Little Buddy, okay? I’m so g-glad… you’re alright. Y-You’re much better than you think you are; we’ll prove it to you. We’re here to support you, now and forever.”

Alvin returned the hug, squeezing as tight as he could, his voice an emotional and soft whisper.

“…Thank you, Leia. Thank you so much… I’m so sorry, again.”

“Hey, it’s all in the past now… I know you didn’t mean it. Besides, that isn’t the first time I’ve been in a tough scrape; there’s no way I wouldn’t come out of it fine!”

“…Thanks.”

Rowen came over next, patting Alvin on the head, which made him laugh, a wonderful sound to hear. The old man apologized to him for his losses, and echoed Leia’s words of eternal support and friendship, gently scolding him for not having more faith in himself and them, and asking them to believe in them now. Alvin thanked him as well and promised that he would change, and jokingly remarked that it was weird to finally have a grandfather he got to spend time with, but nice as well.

“…Alvin,” Elize murmured sadly, coming over to him. “……I’m sorry about your mother. I wish we could have helped her… I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, little lady; there was nothing to be done,” Alvin said softly, his eyes shining with unshed tears on the verge of spilling over. “In a way, I’m sort of relieved… She was finally freed from her suffering.” He patted the bed space next to where he lay. “Come here.”

Elize’s eyes widened for a moment in surprise, before she blushed a little and did as he told her, pulling herself up onto the bed and crawling over to Alvin’s side. Once there, he wrapped his arm around her, pulling her close, and she quickly nuzzled into him, hugging him.

“…Want me to tell you about her?”

Looking up at him, shocked, it took her a moment to answer, her voice soft and hesitant.

“…I-If you want to tell me.”

“May we listen, too?” Rowen asked kindly, to which Alvin nodded, smiling. The older man pulled up a chair, and Jude leaned against the foot of the bed, Leia sitting on the side of the bed itself, near the end.

Then, Alvin began his stories.

There wasn’t a lot he remembered, having only lived in his homeland of Elympios for the first six years of his life. Most of it was hazy, he admitted. But even so, there were still plenty of memories Alvin had that stood out to him specifically, ones that he had held onto even after so long. He talked of his father, who he had little to no memory of because of how rarely he was around, but who he remembered having loved and admired all the same. He talked of his aunt, who helped take care of his mother when she was at her weakest, and her son, his cousin, who he fondly recalled playing with a lot, and getting into mischief with. One time, he said, Balan had had a bad fall while they were climbing some cliffs, severely injuring his leg, and Alvin remembered how much he had cried in fearing for his life. Luckily, he could still walk, with a limp, and once they procured him the right kind of medical spyrix, he was able to walk with no sign of injury at all.

He didn’t know how his remaining family in Elympios was doing, or if any of them had died that Gilland hadn’t told him about. But even so, Alvin had said quietly, even if he was able to talk to them again somehow, he didn’t know what he could possibly say, after having been away for twenty years.

At Jude’s prompting, Alvin told them more about his world. Elympios, he said, was made up of mostly industrialized cities with plain metal and brick buildings; there was little focus or expense spent on decorative fanciness and beauty that the most famous places in Rieze Maxia prided themselves on: everything looked pretty much the same. There was barely any nature anymore because of their dependence on spyrix; everywhere that wasn’t a city was a dried, deserted wasteland, with sparse plants hardly clinging to life, and no bodies of water to be found. But spyrix was how they powered everything they needed for their daily lives, Alvin explained… and was priceless for the chronically ill or injured, as he had alluded to earlier. They had no healing artes as Rieze Maxians did, but spyrix could be manufactured to help with all sorts of ailments that his people otherwise couldn’t live comfortably without.

Alvin spoke stiffly, almost guardedly, as if waiting for more criticism, and ‘ _you brought this upon yourselves’s_. It was a testament to his changing that he hadn’t suggested it out loud himself, to spite them, but Jude wouldn’t have blamed him if he had; not anymore, his stomach churning with guilt and sorrow and frustration. It wasn’t the Elympions’ faults that they were forced into this lifestyle that killed spirits, and they couldn’t escape it if they wanted to survive at all.

No, they deserved better; a compromise had to be found. Jude paid close attention to Alvin’s every detail, filing them away into his memory to stew on until they could talk to Maxwell. Gilland hadn’t seemed very… stable, but perhaps his “spyrite” construction might lead to an epiphany even so?

He wouldn’t ask him about this right now, though. Jude knew that his uncle was the last person Alvin wanted to think about.

Rather, of course, the person Alvin spoke fondly of the most was his mother, Leticia. She had always been frail, and he believed that his birth might have made it worse; even so, he recalled, she was always nothing but loving and kind to him, and spent as much time with him as she could despite her weakness. Her peach pies had been everyone’s favorites, and when Jude thought back, he vaguely remembered Leticia mentioning them one of the times they had visited her.

Some of the childhood stories Alvin told made him laugh, and they could tell it was genuine, too. Most often, he cried, and whenever it became worse, Elize hugged him tighter, and Leia squeezed his hand comfortingly, which Alvin squeezed back, almost desperately.

One time he had tried to give his mother a crown made out of clovers, Alvin recalled, and had tried to paint them all gold, but hadn’t waited until the paint dried to present it to his mother, which had ended in disaster for both of them. Another time he had made her breakfast in bed for her birthday, with Balan’s help, and it hadn’t turned out near as nicely as they had hoped, but she had appreciated it all the same, and even more when he sang her happy birthday. He had strong memories of his own, wonderful birthdays, as well, when his parents took him to museums and gave him elaborate gifts, and on those happiest, brightest days, birthdays and not, nothing could have been better for him.

The trip on the E. S. S. Zenethra was something they had been looking forward to for a long time, Alvin finally said, quietly. It was his last memory in Elympios, and yet he remembered it the least of all, for the best.

Still, he admitted, there were fleeting moments of comfort he found with Leticia as he grew older, before her dementia began. He was terrified, at such a young age, in an alien world, with so much responsibility suddenly thrust onto his shoulders, and with only her to truly call family left – but she was his anchor, his weight, keeping him sane, calm, and providing him with hope, support, and love. Her health was rapidly declining, but even so, he tried not to focus on that, and truly believed that everything would work out, in the end.

Once she had forgotten him, become stuck in the past, _Alfred_ had changed. Changed his identity, his name, his everything, and thrown away his morals, his bonds, and his dignity, while chasing a desperate, naïve thread of hope that he would one day make it back, and with _her_ , to the place where he belonged, the only place he could call home, in order to make her well again, and to find happiness once more.

He had always known she was on the verge of dying. Even if she somehow didn’t, it was unlikely she would ever remember everything normally again. But ignoring all of that, all of his pain and all of his wrong acts, was the only way he had kept himself sane and alive for twenty years. Presa was the one other person who had shown him kindness, and who he had dared to get close to at all and let his guard down around even a medium amount, but eventually she too he had thrown away, cast aside, out of a fear of getting in too deep and losing himself in her, becoming too _weak,_ and losing sight of or even jeopardizing his only, ultimate goal, he admitted guiltily, disgustedly.

Alfred would have died in such despair long ago. Only Alvin could make it this far.

“…Everything you did for your mother… It wasn’t in vain, Alvin,” Jude finally was able to say, softly, gently, reassuringly. “You were forced into a lot you didn’t want to do, and shouldn’t have had to do… but your heart was in the right place, and you didn’t have a choice. …And even if she never made it home, I truly believe that a part of her always knew who you were, and was grateful to you for never giving up on her… for continuing to write to her, and continuing to return to her, and be by her side. I’m sure… that n-nothing made her happier.”

Alvin managed a chuckle, and a weak smile, looking down at Elize and stroking her hair. At some point he had broken into heavy sobs, unable to speak at all, and all of them but Rowen had piled around him closer, trying to give him more support, as Alvin cried out what had to be years and years of bottled up grief. Jude knew it had to be uncomfortable for him to show, and indeed, it was so far from the Alvin they knew, and broke his heart and everyone else’s to witness, as they wept with him, letting out their own, individual pains through their tears, as well. But he was grateful that Alvin finally could, that he allowed himself to do so in front of them: there was no stronger sign of trust than revealing such deep vulnerability.

“…Y-You’re right,” he whispered, wiping his face with his free hand for what had to be the hundredth time. “It hurt, but I… I was still was happier here, more than anywhere else; sending those letters, just _being_ with her, even if she didn't know me, was a sort of relief and comfort as much as it was painful. ...And sometimes, she did seem to talk to me as Alfred, and not someone else. Maybe she would have remembered more if we had made it home… but it’s just as likely that she wouldn’t have. I’ll never know.”

Alvin sighed, closing his eyes.

“…She’s with Dad now, and no longer in pain. Even if I’ll miss her… that’s the best I could want for her anymore. …I’ll hold onto these memories, at least.”

They sat in silence, with no more need for words, while Alvin rested, Elize’s head in his lap, Leia rubbing her thumb over his hand, Jude watching the calm and steady rise and fall of his chest along with his peaceful expression, and Rowen watching all of them with a smile. There was a breeze blowing through the room, with the large window slightly ajar, and combined with how it made the colored tapestries they had hung back up blow gently, it was truly the picture of heaven.

For the first time in a long while, even after having been so uncertain the day before, Jude felt truly content, and happy.

Much later, after they had all somewhat napped, and had dinner together, Leia and Elize presented Alvin with a gift they had bought for him while shopping: another scarf. It was yellow, and they nervously worried that he might not like the color, though it was as large as the one he already had, and the same style. But Alvin accepted it graciously, astonished that they would buy _him_ of all people gifts, after how he had treated them… but Leia simply asserted that they had believed he would come around, and that patients needed get-well gifts, didn’t they?

He teased them for being too much of do-gooders just as Jude was, while trying to hide his emotion.

“Alvin,” Jude eventually began again, settling himself down in front of the bed once more. When the other looked up to show that he had his attention, Jude took a deep breath, pressing on. “…Our next plan is to go find Maxwell. The _real_ Maxwell… since Milla was just bait created by the real one.” He steadied his voice, swallowing. “We want to talk to him about bringing down the schism, or anything else that might help Elympios. Meanwhile, Gaius is making sure that no one will be able to use the Lance of Kresnik anymore if they ever got the idea to again, for the sake of Rieze Maxia.”

He gazed straight into Alvin’s eyes, making sure the man knew how serious he was.

“We _will_ get you home. And we _will_ find a way to help your world that also keeps Rieze Maxia safe. I swear it to you: Elympios and its people will be saved.”

The others around Jude nodded, and Alvin slowly looked down at his lap after a moment. “Maxwell, huh… You really think we can meet him and get his help?”

“It’s our best shot. After everything crazy that’s already happened to us, it doesn’t seem too farfetched, does it?” Jude asked, smiling.

“Heh… True enough.”

“I won’t stay ignorant and ignore everything any longer,” Jude continued, voice solemn. “After everything you’ve been through… after everything we didn’t know, or try to learn, when it was right in front of our eyes… It’s the least we can do. For you, and for Elympios. …A-And this is what Milla would want, too, once she realized, I know.”

Blinking to try to stave off more tears, Jude bowed his head.

“I know it’s a lot to ask of you. But like Rowen said earlier, I ask you to please… put your faith in us… trust us to help you. We can do it, I know we can. As long as we all work together. …I’m just sorry it took us this long to understand. Forgive us.”

Scared he might still be; he hadn’t known Milla for long at all, realistically, but without her, doubt crept into his heart, and his resolve wavered. But Alvin felt the same, and they had convinced him to change his mind and find the will to live again, to try to find the purpose that would be harder for him to find than any of them. So there was no way that he could give up in the face of that; even if he questioned his knowledge, and his ability, he, _they_ , had to at least try. Jude knew that they all felt this.

If they helped each other, they could do anything. He wanted Alvin to know this more than anything.

“I’m sorry we were mean, Alvin.”

“I’m sorry, I should have been more open-minded.”

“Please forgive me for not speaking up sooner; you have my sincerest apologies.”

Alvin gaped at them, dumbfounded, for the second time within the last five minutes. Finally, he laughed, covering his eyes, his telltale sign of becoming emotional.

“You _guys…_ Seriously, are you trying to kill me with kindness? If so, it’s certainly working; I haven’t cried this much in eons.” He dragged his hand down his face, letting out another watery chuckle. “All that… t-that’s _my_ lines. I’m the one… who doesn’t deserve to ask for your forgiveness and faith in me.”

He shook his head, then, sighing, as if trying to correct his way of thinking.

“…But no… If you would call me your friend still, if you would really go this far for me… then I will make myself worthy of that, and pay back your trust tenfold.

“Sometimes I might have felt alienated before, it’s true,” he whispered, gripping the sheets and holding their gazes, his eyes shining. “But this… _all_ of this… is more, so much more than enough, to make up for it. I’m… truly grateful, and speechless. Thank you… _so much._ ”

“…You don’t have to go crazy trying to prove yourself to us,” Jude answered gently. “I know it’s hard; we all realize that. Take it slow, take all the time you need. …Just know that we’re here for you whenever you need us.”

“We’re all friends, and we’re all here to help each other,” Elize said softly, holding Teepo tightly to her chest.

“She’s right!” Leia agreed enthusiastically, and Rowen nodded with her.

Alvin chuckled, putting his hand on top of Jude’s, smiling through his tears. “…Thanks.”

“Okay, now if you keep apologizing or thanking us all the time, we’re going to have a problem.”

“ _Hey_ , it’s not my fault you guys are being way too nice to me; I can’t help it! Going from ‘big fat liar’ to all this… It’s so overwhelming.”

Everyone laughed, and Jude smirked, punching him lightly. “Just wait till you’re all better; you’ll be back to the sarcastic, jokester, _fun guy_ that we all know and love.”

“You never know,” Alvin retorted in return, grinning and leaning back against the wall with his arms behind his head. “You guys wanted me back, so you’re stuck with me permanently now; I’ll probably be so overly nice and sweet and such a dear that you’ll actually _miss_ the old me.”

“Waaaaaaugh, that actually sounds really scary!” Teepo exclaimed, eyes wide. “We might have to keep calling him a big fat liar to snap him out of it!”

“Hell no, not if I’m not still lying!”

“We don’t want the _old_ Alvin back either, but I wouldn’t worry; I doubt he has enough innocent bones in his body to act like he says even if he wanted to.”

_“Hey!_ What do you call the entire display I put on today if not innocent, then?!”

The banter continued on briefly until nighttime was almost fully covering Xian Du, filling the room with darkness, and Rowen reminded them that Alvin was indeed still sick, even if he had almost recovered, and that they should leave him to sleep. Jude was relieved that he was doing much better, if his joking was any indication of how well he felt, and so they all teasingly told him that they would leave him alone at night from now on if he promised to keep himself out of trouble for once (though Alvin jokingly protested that he still wanted people to hug and comfort him while he slept).

These remaining few days might be the last ones Alvin would ever truly spend in this tiny house that was so precious to him for so many long years. He wanted them to count.

“Goodnight, Alvin,” Jude said once everyone was prepared to head back to the inn, smiling at him before descending the stairs. Alvin lazily returned the gesture, and he knew that everything would be alright from then on.

As he walked down, before exiting, he could just barely make out the other murmuring to himself from above.

“Mom… Those cats I told you about… you were right, I think, about them being good for me. They’re better friends than I could ever hope for.”

Jude closed his eyes, and sent a ‘ _thank you’_ to heaven for giving them Alfred.


End file.
